My crippled self

People think I am now okay, that its just the normal me, alive, and that it is as if nothing happened. That the person who they are facing already got over the darkness inside. But honestly the colors of the sky for me is still dark and gloomy. It’s still raining around me, and I’m being drowned by the the sadness. Struggling to  be afloat of all the frustrations that I encountered and still am encountering.

People will probably brush this of as my weakness. Yes I am weak. I am broken. I am losing my sanity over this. It is burying me alive and chocking me to the after life. I have always thought of what people might think if I started blurting out how I am right now. How scared and vulnerable I am. How it can be lonely in a pool of feelings that I thought I will never encounter again.  Yes I am admitting my defeat I was trying to be strong but now I am raising the white flag.

The people who know me might read this and I’m sorry if I had to wear a mask that says I am okay if anything I hate being untrue to people dear to me, but sadly I am really not. It still feels as if the weight of the world is on my back. I know that I still have what other people wish for, but what if the one thing that keeps you smile in this world leaves you behind and threw you away. What if the world you knew suddenly erased after it shatters, would it not crush you to bits? Would it not cripple you and make you kneel down to the ground?

For the people who have been in this state I would love to ask you these questions. Would it be bad to admit that I am wounded and disabled? Would it be bad to feel depressed and lost. Would it be bad to feel as if you died after lost almost 12 years of your self in a relationship that you poured yourself into. What do you do to move on? They say time is your greatest ally but it feels as if it moves fast when you are trying to be happy or feeling happy then slows down again when your feeling down. I can blabber on and on but really how long does it go? How do you pick yourself up from the mud? How do you clean the stains and be ready to face life? I Am facing my greatest opponent to date and it would not be another entity other than myself. Yes I know that much. but where do I start. What do I do in this state? Its been 8 months and I still haven’t recovered and the backlash still hits.

Even dreams remind me things I want to forget.

But really how do you move on?


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